


Popular

by CrayolaRainbow



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Pre-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Song Lyrics, Song Parody, ish, more like wicked Parallels, not a wicked AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 05:07:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20222302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrayolaRainbow/pseuds/CrayolaRainbow
Summary: Owen doesn’t need brains or knowledge to succeed, he needs to be popular. And who better to teach him than Joan Bryant





	Popular

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thefigureinthecorner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefigureinthecorner/gifts).

> I’m not sorry. I do blame Marcus though.
> 
> Imagine that Joan is saying all of this with the straightest face possible.

Owen was sitting at his desk, minding his business and doing some paperwork when he heard the knock.

“Come in?”

The door to his dorm room creaked open. “Hello,” Joan said.

“Joan! What a surprise. What are you doing here?” Owen asked, turning to the door to face Joan fully.

Joan took a few steps forward and clasped her hands behind her back.

“Owen, now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project,” she said.

Owen frowned slightly. “You really don't have to do that,” he said.

Joan smiled. “I know. That's what makes me so nice.”

Joan started to circle Owen, putting her critical eye on him. “Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I, and lets face it, who isn't less fortunate than I? My tender heart tends to start to bleed. And when someone needs a makeover, I simply have to takeover, I know,” she paused, “I know exactly what they need.” 

Joan paused in front of Owen, finger on her chin. Owen resisted the urge to fidget. “And even in your case, though it's the toughest case I've yet to face, don't worry. I'm determined to succeed. Follow my lead and yes indeed, you... will... be…” Joan trailed off.

Suddenly Joan’s eyes widened and she stuck her finger in the air like she just got an idea. “Popular. You’re gonna be popular. I'll teach you the proper poise when you talk to boys, little ways to flirt and flounce.” Owen wrinkled his nose. He thought he was doing just fine, thank you very much.

“I'll show you what shoes to wear,” Joan pointed at his ratty sneakers. “How to fix your hair,” she brushed her fingers through his hair, deftly avoiding his attempts to bat her away. “Ev’rything that really counts to be popular. I'll help you be popular. You'll hang with the right cohorts, you'll be good at sports,” 

Owen really doubted that, but Joan barreled on. 

“Know the slang you've got to know, so let's start 'cause you've got an awf'lly long way to go.” Joan dragged him over to the full length mirror in the corner and started holding up shirts and ties to his torso.

“Don't be offended by my frank analysis, think of it as personality dialysis,” Joan said to him as she set down another shirt. “Now that I've chosen to become a pal, a sister, and adviser, there's nobody wiser. Not when it comes to popular.” Joan looked Owen in the eyes through the mirror. “I _know_ about popular.”

Joan gathered up one of the piles of clothes and dumped them unceremoniously back into Owen’s drawer. “And with an assist from me, to be who you'll be instead of dreary who you were... are…”

Ouch.

“There’s nothing that can stop you, from becoming populer... lar…” Joan started humming to herself quietly. “We’re gonna make you popular.”

Joan sat down on the bed next to Owen, her hands folded in her lap. 

“When I see depressing creatures with unprepossessing features, I remind them on their own behalf to think of celebrated heads of state or 'specially great communicators. Did they have brains or knowledge?”

Owen tried to answer the question but Joan cut him off before he could say anything. 

“Don't make me laugh,” Joan smiled. It wasn’t a kind one. “They were popular. _Please_, it's all about popular. It's _not_ about aptitude, it's the way you're viewed. So it's very shrewd to be very, very popular like me.”

Joan pulled Owen up to standing and handed him a green button up shirt, skinny black tie, and black dress pants.

“Here, put these on. And don’t forget the shoes.” She pointed to the dress shoes she had dragged out of his closet earlier.

Owen did as she asked and dressed quickly. He struggled through tying the tie, and when he turned around so Joan could see, it was the first thing she fixed.

Joan cinched his tie tighter and stuck her fingers between his shirt collar and neck. She hummed, seemingly satisfied. She pulled down his shirt and adjusted his cuffs. When she was done primping him, she stepped back to review her work.

“Why, Mister Thompson, look at you, you're handsome…” Joan said.

Owen looked down at himself. “I have to go.”

“You're welcome,” Joan said. “And though you protest your disinterest, I know clandestinely you're gonna grin and bear it your newfound popularity. Trust me Owen. You’ll be popular. Just not quite as popular as me.”

Joan paused at the door. “I’ll be back tomorrow with more help.”

And with that, she shut the door sharply behind her.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr @the-emerald7
> 
> I made a compilation of all of the Fucks in TBS, you should go check it out on my tumblr.


End file.
